I don't really know what is going on with me. My knowledge and self assessment skills are extremely limited, so in a way i am lost. maybe it's the stress or maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to juggle too many things at once, i haven't been myself lately and i can feel it. i feel different, different from what i remember when i was happy and energetic. Perhaps this is life... maybe i have finally woken up to reality, and embraced the cruelty of the world way too fast. if this is reality then fantasy seems like a much better world. but death will not solve what I've done. it is only a cowardice solution to run away from the problems, it is running away from reality.
reading through what i just wrote in the last paragraph, i can really tell that my thoughts are broken and random; chaotic. it is a sign of mantle stress perhaps, or the result of impatience and immaturity. i know i'm immature, and i hate every moment of it. i try to better myself by reading and talking to others. but that's the problem... lately i have been rude and impatient toward people. as much as i regret what i have said to then, the damage is done. i apologize to them and hope for their forgiveness. i realize that i have used trust to manipulate people, people who depends on my trust. they have trusted me as a friend and i have let them down. i have cheated on the name of friendship and for that i am not worthy to be a friend of theirs. therefore i cannot forgive myself.
I used to think that i am a great person, a great friend. but now that think about it, i realize how arrogant and foolish i was. i have been selfish to think how i did not get what i deserved, but in reality it's my friends who was compensating and accepting my lack of contribution to our friendship. i feel guilty of my friends' troubles, but i never realized they were caused by my incompetence as a friend, if you can even call me a friend. the world friendship carries much more value than what i give it credit for. In many ways i feel i do not deserve to be considered as a friend by others. for what it's worth, i value my friends very much. more than my actions show. but obviously i have trouble telling my friends. they understand that i'm trying my best to be worth and i thank god loving and caring for giving me such great friends. Only if i can be worth of a friend to them in return.
I won't give up trying to learn. i will never stop trying to be more useful and worthy. i will from now on, use my true action and words of my heart to show my friends how much they mean to me. i am sincerely hoping for their forgiveness and understanding. and yet i have the feeling that despite what i did and said, they still, and already have forgiven me.
thank you my friends, for what ever it's worth, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for your understanding while my trouble soul awaits for guidance, lost and weary. but you have shined a light and kept it going, hopping to light my path to home. thank you and god bless you all. my thought are of you and my prayers are with you.
Thank the selfless hearts that have warmed my day and brightened my sky.
